Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
