I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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