Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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