FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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