she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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