Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Randomize
