I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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