Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Randomize
