there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I have fence marks all over my body
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize
