Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
