You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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