my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Randomize
