oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
