i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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