I CAN MOONWALK!
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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