I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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