I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
