Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
