I'm really into asian looking animals
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
