Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
