You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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