i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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