I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
