I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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