True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
