Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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