Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
