i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
