can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
