So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
