I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
