Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
