please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
