I think my fart just growled at me.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
