did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
my liver is dry heaving
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
