Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
