i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
