i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
