My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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