I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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