I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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