I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
