I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
he just fucked me for my cheese.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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