now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
What happened to fro yo and sex?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
