I love black thongs
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
