Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
