so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Damn victory sex feels great
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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