Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
