Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
