no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
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