I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
