Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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